Monkey see, monkey doo?
—-A word from The Management,
We wish to apologize to our valued readers for the previous post “You know, that Sidd Finch had some game” dated April 1.
We feel the post was crass, vulgar and out of character and thus well beneath the consumer friendly standards we strive to maintain at The Pre-Existential Suite. As per his contract with us, Less of Me was permitted the day off to indulge is a personal pagan springtime renewal ritual and the backup editor was home with a fungal infection, unfortunately leaving no one to monitor the output of the writing staff and thus this egregious article was published without being edited.
Our writing team currently consists of sixteen chimpanzees with keyboards locked in the back bedroom of Less of Me’s beloved Hovel. (This is an increase from the original fifteen we started the blog with; apparently chimps don’t type ALL day and someone’s neutering was anything but successful. We decided to spring for another keyboard and a Game Boy and make the best of it.) They are well cared for, receiving all the espresso and ephedrine-dosed bananas they wish to consume (much like the NY Times editorial staff) and they are hosed down once a week (exactly like the NY Times editorial staff). They have aroma therapy candles in there too. The chimps flail and poke and hammer at the keys and great writing is thus produced. (The Bible was generated using this exact same procedure albeit with less evolved primates.) The literary “droppings”, we call them, are “scooped “up by our server, filtered thru SpellCheck and downloaded to Less of Me’s work station where he basically just formats the text and affixes his byline. Chimps, by law, are not permitted to publish their own work in Kentucky. On April 1, with the testosterone running high in the back room and no one at the desk up front, this offensive and unfunny reworking of a great American literary classic zipped straight off to WordPress and the damage was done. Again we apologize.
While the links in the piece were topical and pertinent and well worth reading, and we were relieved, despite the band’s name, no gratuitous nudity was evident in the video embed, we believe the transcribed “poem” was a complete fake and should not have been posted. Additionally the crude language and sexual metaphor displayed was not in keeping with the general decorum of discourse aspired to within The Suite. Finally, the topic of nineteenth century mating practices and misogyny is not one we wish to elaborate upon further, instead confining the discussion of all manner of sexual interplay and its aberrations to the last fifty years of human development whenever possible. Blog testing has shown modern sex talk increases net traffic. More traffic equals more revenue. More revenue will allow us to hire a fungus-free backup editor thereby ensuring this problem will not occur again.
We look forward to your continued patronage. The Pre-Existential Suite has many fine articles and postings in the works for you. As a matter of fact, tomorrow, Monday April 5th begins Tiger Week here at The Pierre. Yes Tiger Woods is back! Golfer extraordinaire, fornicator of considerable skill, and evidently, if you do the math correctly, manipulator of the Time/Space continuum, will be getting back to business in Augusta, GA at the Masters and the LOM Network will be there this week to bring you all the action!
(It will most probably be all golf action though; we don’t think he’s enough of a moron to be cruising the Huddle House for waitresses so soon after rehabbing. Yet, we have been wrong before.)
Thank for visiting. Please enjoy yourself this week and every week here at The Pre-Existential Suite.