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LIVE (almost) from The Masters

April 8, 2010

I’ve been finally able to connect to the LOM Network and I had a chat with reporter-in-the-rough this week in Augusta, GA, – Shivas Irons.

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LOM: Shivas, how are you doing down there?

SI: Guid, guid, Lessa Mee, ca’ na girn. The skys’er braw, ta floors ar bustin’ oot, an’ ta coorse is’n fine repose. Ye ken the lads will be givin’ it laldy later t’day.

LOM: Ah, hold on one second Shivas. We’re having technical difficulties in The Suite. The brogue translation program has stopped working. We’re plugging in a new Babel Fish Translator (BFT) module, this should help. While we’re waiting, let me make a pitch,– the BFT is a fine tech widget made by Dugadams Industries, a subsidiary of Beeblebrox GalaxyWide LLC one of The Suite‘s fine sponsors.  Just one sec more . . . OK let’s try that again my friend.

SI: Well then, I said, I’m doing good Less of Me, I can’t complain. The weather’s excellent, the magnolias are in bloom and the course is in fine condition. You know the players will be attacking these greens later today.

LOM: Great to hear it. We golf aficionados have been anticipating this event at least since Slut #9 went to the press in January. I’m glad it’s finally here. How have the fans reacted to Tiger Woods so far this week?

SI: On the grounds of Augusta National, at the practice tee, the fan reaction has been very subdued. They have been quiet and somewhat respectful. Of course that was to be expected with the presense of two armed SWAT teams deployed by the club to follow Tiger around this week. They wear some sharp looking kelly green windbreakers which nicely conceal the riot gear and crowd dispersal devices. As you’re aware LOM, the club runs a very tight ship around here; they always traditionally have. That’s why Team Tiger decided this was the most judicious venue for The Comeback. The crowds are generally more respectful here than at other Tour stops. And The Masters Committee gives no quarter to rowdy fans. Disorderly spectators are subject to not just immediate ejection but they will have their passes revoked, for all eternity LOM. A Master’s Pass is one of the toughest tickets to get in sports. An actual pass holder must die before the thousands of names on the waiting list are eligible for a random lottery where the selection of four lucky pledges designates each of them to enter the PalmerDome (of course named for four time Masters champ Arnold Palmer) for the Elimination of the Unworthy, the fight-to-the-death, last-fan-standing blood bath that confers Proper Patron of Inclusion status on the victor.  He or she will then be allowed to pay $3500 for this week’s grounds pass. It’s a venerable Augusta National tradition.

LOM: A tough ticket indeed! So, how did Tiger do at his presser this past Monday? Did he appear rusty or out of condition with regard to his use of the standard sporting phrases and cliches and the pop psych lexicon that he’ll be required to employ while attempting to get his business back on track? The speech he gave in February showed very bad form. His mother looked horrified at his shaky performance. I was not impressed either.

SI: Yeah. I agree. That was a fiasco. This week though he brought something resembling his “A” public relations game. He still needs some practice. I have just sent forward a few excerpts of the question and answer session I thought were significant. 

LOM: Thanks Shivas look forward to chatting later this week. Take care, no tippling near the SWAT team, you know how you get. Ha,ha. Well sports fans, I present Shivas’ selected excerpts. Please note that they were filtered through the Babel Fish Translator and the resulting interpretations are bracketed beneath each exchange. Fore!

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Selected questions and answers from Tiger Woods’ press conference-April 5, 2010

Q.– You said in February that when you returned you wanted to show more respect for the game, what sort of differences are we going to see there between the ropes and outside the ropes?

[ BFT= we sports writers, generally being the most sorry saccharine pack of sentimentalists, who reflexively howl in umbrage about “respect for the game” only whenever we feel  we can attract more readers by doing so, want to know if Nike’s new line of Tiger Woods golf apparel will include Sack Cloth and Ashes, which we would think is so entirely appropriate, or perhaps tear-away stain resistant trousers which we feel may attract more readers in the longer run.]

TIGER WOODS: Yeah, great question. I’m actually going to try and obviously not get as hot when I play. But then again, when I’m not as hot, I’m not going to be as exuberant, either. I can’t play one without the other, and so I made a conscious decision to try and tone down my negative outbursts and consequently I’m sure my positive outbursts will be calmed down, as well. Just trying to be more respectful of the game and acknowledge the fans like I did today.

[BFT= Very predictable query.  I commend you on your mediocrity. I’m going to try to be more of an emotionless automaton than I was before, because I’ve been told by my image consultants that I think displaying emotion and passion in my professional activities will hurt our corporate bottom line. First it may be interpreted by the lucrative family-value demographic of consumers that I am not sufficiently repentant about my sins of the flesh and secondly it may suggest I have a very organic intensity and exuberance that, if not checked, could morph into human sex appeal, which would be a Siren’s call to all the hussies and women of loose morals and the whole dirty, dirty, dirty cycle of turpitude would start to sully the grand old game again. I’m just going to try to blend into the herd, and win tournaments, and then maybe Gatorade will write me checks again.]

Q.– You won a lot of golf tournaments over the last five years living a completely secret life; how were you able to do that? And secondly, what kind of golfer do you feel you’ll be now, going forward without having this secret?

[BFT= We lazy hacks were too busy recycling the wholesome tales handed down to us from your PR department, (double spaced and spell-checked even—hooray!)  and we got scooped by The National Inquirer. How were we so dumb? And do you think you’ll be a better interview for us stenographers now that you won’t feel guilty any longer about deceiving us, your loyal scribblers?]

TIGER WOODS: Well, I think how I was earlier in my career, I was at peace, and I’ve had some great years. Unfortunately what I’ve done over the past years has been just terrible to my family. And the fact I won golf tournaments I think is irrelevant. It’s the pain and the damage that I’ve caused, you know, to my wife, my mom, my wife’s family; my kids.

[BFT= Well, I think how I was earlier in my career, I was at peace because I was accumulating vast amounts of money and power. Unfortunately, all the adultery of the past few years has been just terrible to my family and my corporation’s projected earnings forecast.  The fact I won golf tournaments just displays the superior compartmentalization skills I’ve developed for the past thirty years, you know, the techniques that have enabled me to win all those previous golf tournaments, you morons.  The real important part though is the pain and damage I’ve caused to my wife, my mom, my wife’s family, my kids, and my corporation’s projected earnings forecast.]

Q.- You said in your statement that you felt entitled over the years. I assume that wasn’t the first time you thought that but how were you able to rationalize that while you were engaging in such behavior and still play such winning golf?

 [BFT= You said you felt entitled to be scrumping every warm blooded female who showed some interest, how were you able to rationalize in your mind that you, Tiger Woods, were entitled to all this sexual romping but that we, the loyal scribblers are not. It’s not fair! I tell you. It’s not fair!! It’s just not fuckin’  fair. You should feel really bad for us because– IT’S NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR.]

TIGER WOODS:  Well, that’s part of the problem I had, the way I was thinking was not correct. And as part of where I was at, meant I was rationalizing and denying and in total denial at times. Whatever I did, I lied to myself, I lied to others.

[BFT= HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  The problem is YOUR thinking is not correct. I, TIGER WOODS had the money and the power and the opportunities; oh the many sweet, sweet, opportunities. I kinda actually earned them dude. I have worked hard. I have skills and talent that are marketable and that produce tremendous profits. You have none of this my friend. That is too bad for you. Your profession, your industry, our system of capitalism gave me the money and therefore the power and therefore the opportunities; sorry again, but I can’t help it, – the sweet, sweet opportunities — ;  I felt entitled to use them as I saw fit.

My only real “sin” in this whole public “tragedy” is that I let great hubris disable my rational mind.  I am a hypocrite because I say I know myself, and who I am, but I act like I have no clue. I deluded myself into believing that I could have it all. I did not fully comprehend that my ambition to be the Greatest Golfer in the World would necessarily come in conflict with the ambition to be a Monogamous Husband and Devoted Father.  The drives and passions needed to fully become the former cannot easily be squared with the drives and passions to fully become the latter.  Each of those roles requires significantly different skill sets and I did not understand I would have to sacrifice one ambition to achieve the other at some point. I was intoxicated by my growing power, blinded by pride and hubris, and my rational mind failed me, allowing my many desires to exceed my grasp. I should have understood myself more thoroughly and accepted the hard truth that traditional marriage would have to wait until I could accomplish my long self-identified personal goal of complete domination of the professional golf world and its record book. I messed up. I’m human after all.

Now let me show you how to play golf, you lesser mortals.]

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