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eMissives from a pixilated Mail Bag

July 19, 2010

We receive some interesting correspondence now and then here at The Suite.

However seeing as I have steadily grown almost pathologically averse to engaging in any activity resembling normal human interaction, at least when I’m hunkered down in The Hovel, I usually just forward the emails to the work station in the back bedroom, toss in some fresh fruit, and let Dr. Zaius and his *writing team* pound out responses if and when their little simian hearts desire.

The observant guest will note the absence of any previous eMissives post on the blog though. This is a valuable clue to the true desires of little simian hearts no doubt. Manic banging on keyboards in answer to the questions of curious readers takes a seat way in the back of the Priority Bus for these primates when there is eating and masturbating to be done. (it’s not an efficient work environment; if you can keep a secret, don’t tell anyone – I’ve used electric shock to meet deadlines) And I envy the spankers sometimes, the simple life on a lower rung of the evolutionary ladder has its a peel appeal now and then.

But I have a blog to tend. Time is short. July 25 approaches. My inner LOM encourages me, “Be tough, ignore the bowl of ripe mangos.” My inner LOM sings down the well at me, “Now it puts the lotion in the basket.” My inner LOM asserts, “There are friends to entertain, there is attention to be whored.” Well alrighty then.

Mail call!  Let’s call this Letter Number One.

What’s the real deal dude?  What are you hiding? And who are you hiding it from? You don’t share very much of yourself in these entries. I sense a lot of posturing and very little true introspection or revelation. You seem to tiptoe around any substantial personal details or convictions. Your post topics are a scattershot mess of self-indulgent piffle. Your only consistency seems to be a running gag about your obsession with a fictional television character that will likely never be seen again and you often appear rude in response to your infrequent commenters. You’re giving blogging a bad name, my friend. You need to get your act together son, perhaps seek professional psychological help and counseling, or get another hobby.

I did like the pictures of the big striped kitties though.

Phillip McGraw, Ph.D (retired)

Answer #1:   Thanks for the concern for the well-being of the blogosphere Phillip. I will try to do better for its sake at the very least. I don’t want to be responsible for slowing down the approaching Singularity Event, that could be bad karma. (though I think when Everything becomes One then bad karma won’t really matter anymore.)  I agree that I may be unclear at times in my writing’s intent; and the blog as a whole may be a bit unfocused. It’s gotten stale; I’ve gotten stale. We’re test driving some new themes and features, this may help. The chimps and I are working on a better defined mission statement which we will put up at the top as a page soon.

In brief, I started the whole thing to just have a soapbox to stand upon and shout my disillusioned and angry thoughts at the uncaring and indifferent universe. Previously I did this at work and in taverns, but I have grown tired of being shunned, in person at least. To your other point I retort, all blogging is self-indulgent but it’s not necessarily always piffle. Posting even short comments re favorite TV shows takes a healthy dose of ego; it means you think you have something relevant to add to the discussion, and real people are less indifferent and more judgmental than the average universe I think; you have to justify your existence frequently to other humans. Blogging needs large amounts of ego, (for this reason I procured two howler monkeys recently), and ego can get in the way of itself when you don’t take the time to be careful. My lifestyle doesn’t allow as much time for this as I would like, it still gets a little frustrating, but I’m making adjustments. I’m mulling over the idea of writing about a few serious Life Questions I’ve been internally chewing on for a few months now. I have the feeling my preferred television entertainment, Mad Men—formerly featuring the entrancing smile and numerous other ethereal and carnal charms of school teacher Suzanne Farrell – as I refer to it as, will provoke me to do just such a thing.  These Questions will be bluntly personal I forewarn. But they will still be just the hobgoblins of one man’s mind, cosmically trifling by definition I believe. In any event, I’ll try to be nicer, if not less piffly, in the future.

Thanks for the advice Phillip, but my personal experience demonstrates *professional psychological help* is vastly over-rated and thus over-priced. But if it works for you, have at it. And please keep reading me.


Lettero Numero Dos:

I was googling koala bears, elephants and other wild things the other evening [ed.–Is this a new euphemism for something bestial I am unaware of?] and I found your blog. That post was not what I was expecting but it was entertaining nonetheless. I watch that series too– have you considered a follow-up highlighting the other characters?  We can learn much from the world’s other species, their behaviors and personalities as such can be inspiring and amusing. And they all may not be with us very long – you could say they may not “exist” very long, (wink-wink, nudge-nudge, in the direction of your cryptic URL above), what with all this crude suddenly sloshing around the globe. Plus I think I relate to them better at times than I do real people. People are frequently vicious and cruel and fearful in my experience. I like animals a lot better. Animals don’t expect much of a person. And they are much more tolerant, when they’re not eating you. More pictures and posts of animals please. Carry on then, good day.

Joe Merrick

PS—just to be clear, I am not an animal.


Answero #2:   Joe, I’m glad you liked the post. It was a fun one I agree. But it took more thought than I anticipated and I got lazy. Serendipitously, I am currently stitching together a sequel. This is Mad Men – FFTESANOEACCOSTSF premiere week after all. Check back soon. Also, I am certain someone as thoughtful and well-written as yourself could never be mistaken for anything less than human. Cheers!


The Third Letter:

I wanted to let you know Les that I like your place but I wish you would put more stuff up. Gotta have more new stuff. New stuff is what it is all about. You have a great space here, fill it with stuff, man. You can think and form ideas right? Well just take all that stuff in your head, in there, and scrape all that stuff together and put all that stuff out here, on the screen where I can read new stuff all day long. Got to have plenty of stuff, my man. Stuff makes the world go round.

Now you may have trouble thinking up new stuff to throw out here every so often, so why not do what just about every other blocked hack does at some point in the term of their writing “career”, (yeah right), just make up some fake letters from your *readers* and pretend to answer them in a way that conveys everything you could have said in a more straight forward expositional way. It’s cloying and definitely not very original but the rubes can always be counted on to mistake *crafty* for *craft*. They’ll eat it up. You’ll be extolled among the unread as funny and inventive. The seasoned readers and writers will just assume you wanted to say something but were creatively constipated and short of time and yet still too consumed with writerly pretentions to just *nail a list to the door* so to speak. The more forgiving of that group will cut you some slack because they know they mail it in some days too. The ones that don’t cut you some slack?  Fuck ‘em. Then, fuck them again. Don’t sweat it, man. Don’t take it personal. Go play some golf or something. Live life. Plenty of stuff to read on the internets, man.  Plenty of stuff. You know what else works while were talking? Lists, man. Lists. Top Ten Lists, Lists of Stuff You Like, Lists of Stuff You Hate. Lists of Websites that Post a Lot of Lists. Lists of the Greatest Lists You’ve Ever Read on a Website. Hey! Grocery Lists! Yeah man, those are some awesome, easy screen fillers too. I like to read a good grocery list every day, man. Great way to kill some time and space, take it from me. Great way to kill some time.

Oh, but remember, everyone does three letters man. It’s always three fake letters. You could do just two but that’s less stuff on the blog and that’s not cool. But if you add a fourth one man, you’ve got reasonable doubt and that will eventually convert to credibility. You’ll fool the sharpies. Trust me on this. Now wrap it up, grab your clubs, and make und birdie Bernhard.

This email is only abstractly bubbling up from the foggy crevices of your addled brain, because I told ya pal, there ain’t no afterlife,

George C.


Answer #3:  Uh, . . . thanks?


Hey, whadda you know?  Look! there’s a fourth letter!:

An urgent missive from the desk of Mr. Ulluator Bikiumbotu:

Dear Less of Me,

I am a Nigerian prince in exile and I am desperately seeking your assistance.  I fled my country in a hurry in the dead of night and it appears I left all my cash in my other princely suit.  If you would be willing to wire me $18,398 in US currency . . .

 Excuse me, I am now convinced my monkeys had it right all along. Pass the mango, brothers.



One Comment leave one →
  1. February 18, 2012 2:52 pm

    Thanks for your reason. I really like to make out the print IMDB

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